i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
