I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
