We won't sleep together?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize