I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
