Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize