my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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