My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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