Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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