Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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