All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
