I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
