my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
