my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
