insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
