You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
