There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
