i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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