I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
