i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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