Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
