If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
