I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
