True but thats because hes a fetus.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Randomize
