I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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