Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Is it penis luge time yet?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
