and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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