That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
