You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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