i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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