they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
