I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
