I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
