6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
