Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
