I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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