we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
