He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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