You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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