i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
