She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She's the barista slut.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
