im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
