I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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