we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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