I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
