I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
