U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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