I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
