We're facebook friends in real life
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
