my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
