i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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