two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
