I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
