so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
