his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
how drunk are you?
Several
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize