At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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