life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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