it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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