He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
