Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
