Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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