Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
