Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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