stop calling my apartment porn island.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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